Dreaming about
sex

Sex dreams are among the most common dreams people have, and among the ones they're least likely to admit to. In one large survey of students, more than three in four said they'd dreamed of sex.^[1] Dreaming about sex is often just desire, and it's worth knowing that the body is regularly aroused during REM sleep, the stage when most vivid dreams happen, whatever the dream is about. But when the partner is surprising (an ex, a friend, a boss, a stranger, someone you don't even like), the dream is usually about something other than wanting them.

So the person and the feeling are what to look at. A tender dream about your partner says one thing, and a guilty one about a colleague says another, and a dream about someone you've never met says something else again. And your waking life matters a lot here, because a sex dream in a dry spell, at the start of a relationship or in the middle of a stressful month will mean different things.

What dreaming about sex means

Sex in dreams can be about sex, closeness, power or becoming someone else for a night. Four readings cover most of them.

Simple desire

Sometimes a sex dream is just what it looks like. If you've been single for a while, missing a partner who's away, or going through a phase of high libido, the dream is your body's wishes playing out while you sleep. There's no hidden message.

Wanting closeness

Many sex dreams are less about the act than about being close to someone. Did the dream feel tender more than erotic? Then think about who you'd like to be closer to, a partner, a friend or your family, and what's been keeping you apart. They often turn up when you feel lonely, even in a relationship.

Wanting what they have

The person in the dream often stands for a quality. A confident colleague, a famous actor or a charismatic friend can all show up in a sex dream when you'd like more of their confidence, ease or power yourself. In dreams, getting physically close to someone is one of the ways a dream lets you take something of theirs, their nerve or their charm or their calm, and try it on for size.

Something that feels off limits

Dreams ignore the rules we keep awake, which is why sex with a boss, a teacher, a friend's partner or someone you'd never choose is so common. These dreams usually point to a boundary that's on your mind (a work relationship that's getting close, a friendship that's changing) more than to a hidden wish.

Dreaming about sex with your ex

Sex with an ex is one of the most searched sex dreams, and it rarely means you want them back. It's usually about familiarity, the comfort of someone who knew you, or about unfinished business from the relationship. These dreams often come when something now reminds you of that time, like reaching the point in a new relationship where the old one ended, or bumping into them in the supermarket. There's more on dreams of an ex in general on its own page.

Dreaming about sex with a friend

Waking up after a sex dream about a friend can make the next coffee awkward, but the dream is usually about closeness and trust. Have you two been through something lately? Maybe the friendship has got deeper lately, or you've been relying on each other more. If you do have feelings for them, the dream may be bringing them up. And if you don't, it's most likely about how much you value them, or a quality of theirs you admire.

Dreaming about sex with a stranger

A faceless or unknown partner gives the dream a blank page, and the love or lust you felt fills it in. Sex with a stranger is often about something new in your life, a change you're excited about but don't know well yet. It can also be about a side of yourself you're getting acquainted with, more confident, freer or more daring than usual. If you felt safe with the stranger, that new side is welcome. If you felt uneasy, ask what new thing you're unsure about.

Dreaming about sex with your boss or a colleague

Sex with a boss or coworker is about power and work more often than attraction. It can mean you want more influence or recognition at work, or that the person's way of operating is on your mind. It's also common when you spend long hours together and they simply take up a lot of room in your head. We dream about the people we spend our hours with,^[4] and most of us see our colleagues more than our friends.

Dreaming about sex with someone of the same sex

Same-sex dreams happen to people of every orientation, and on their own they say nothing fixed about yours. They're often about closeness or admiration, or about a quality in that person you'd like to have. If they do connect to questions you're exploring about yourself, that's yours to explore at your own pace, and the dream is one small piece of it.

Dreaming about sex with someone other than your partner

Cheating in a dream, when you're happy in your relationship, is very common and usually isn't about wanting to leave. It can point to something missing from the relationship (novelty, attention, time together) or to guilt about something unrelated. Dreams where your partner is the one cheating are a separate theme, with their own article.

Dreaming about sex according to Jung and Freud

The two founders of dream analysis gave sex very different jobs in a dream.

Jung: the figure of the other sex

Jung's anima and animus are the figure of the other sex inside the dreamer, a man's inner woman and a woman's inner man.^[3] A partner with no face, or one you'd never choose, is where that figure tends to turn up, and the closeness in the dream becomes a picture of coming nearer to a side of you that you haven't lived, a boldness or a softness you keep out of daily life. He left no verdict on sex dreams as such, so this is his idea at work on one: the sex is the image, and the unlived side is what the dream is about.

Freud: the wish and the partner

In The Interpretation of Dreams Freud read climbing stairs and ladders as stand-ins for sex, long objects as male, and boxes, cupboards and rooms as stand-ins for the womb and for women,^[2] so for him sex hid inside dreams that looked like nothing of the kind. A dream where it's out in the open turns his usual question around. He separated what a dream shows from what it's about, and said the wish comes disguised, so when the sex is plain, ask what else the dream is carrying and why this partner was chosen to carry it. He'd look at yesterday too (you may have sat across from this person all afternoon), and he wanted your own associations to them before any list.

Other readings

Calvin Hall, a psychologist, tallied what turns up in ordinary people's dreams and put a number on how often sex really does. In the dreams of about a thousand college students gathered in the 1940s and early 1950s, 8% held any sexual interaction, 12% of the men's and 4% of the women's.^[5] Set beside the three in four who say they've ever had one, it hints that a sex dream sticks in memory out of proportion to how often it comes.

Questions to ask about your sex dream

Sex dreams can feel too awkward to think about in the morning, but a few honest questions make them useful.

• Who was the partner, and what do you associate with them?
• Did it feel tender, exciting, guilty or strange?
• Was it about the act, or about being close?
• What quality does that person have that you'd like more of?
• What's going on in your relationships, or your love life, right now?

Oniri's questions before a reading go to the same two places, the partner and the feeling, since that's where the meaning of a sex dream usually sits.